Mister Understood

LA-Fitness should be called LA-make-your-weird-body-as-out-of-whack-as-you-can-and-oh,-don’t-forget-to-hog-every-machine-you-use.

I guess it’s good advice to not eat the yellow snow, but if you’re only gonna remember one adage, I’d go with this: Don’t eat the brown poop.

Nobody’d better lay a finger on my butterfinger, but that’s just because I don’t want you to eat a gross tasting candy bar that gives you horrible breath and makes your teeth feel hot.

Why did I buy this dang butterfinger?

Everyone always says how funny it is, but I just didn’t laugh all that much during A Fish Named Rwanda.

What part of “What do you not understand” do you not understand?!

Long story short: If you want to talk about shaving your wrists, be careful how you word it, or you might just end up in the psych ward.

Whenever a guy comes up to me and wants to fight and says “Hey man! What’s your problem!?” I say, ”Eczema.”

I saw a commercial. It said, “Let your new life begin, call 1-800-get-thin”

I called and said, “I want to turn over a new leaf and blog on a more regular basis.”

They said, “we can only make you skinny sir.”

I said, “I’m already skinny.”

“You’re welcome,” they said.

Then I called 1-800-i-want-to-turn-over-a-new-leaf-and-blog-on-a-more-regular-basis.

Turns out, they can only make me skinny too!

–You just think you’re invisible! Well, you’re not! All you goddamn teenagers just go around just skateboarding and doing drugs and base jumping, you know–you don’t even have a lick of health insurance!–…and you think you’re invisible. You’re not! You think you are, my friend, but I’ve got news for you: you’re not.

–You mean invincible?

–What?

–You mean we think we’re invincible?

–Of course you’re not damn invincible. Nobody’s damn invincible. You aren’t invisible either, but you don’t goddamn know it and that’s what I’m trying to tell you, for christdamnsakes.

Making blacksploitation films isn’t nice, but it sure is a lot safer than making blackpanthersploitation films.