Mister Understood

Air Bud the fish looked out of his bowl almost all day, every day. He pretty much had to, since he was the only fish in the bowl and the only other stuff in there were some fake plastic seaweeds and some fake plastic car tires. Plus, the bowl, like many fish bowls, was clear. Air Bud is a dog in a movie but the guy who bought Air Bud at Petco thought it’d be irreverent to call a fish by a movie dog’s name. That is why Air Bud the fish’s name was Air Bud, because his owner was a jackass.

When he would look out of his bowl, Air Bud would think about what it would be like to be in the ocean with other fish, where the seaweed was real and the tires were rubber and normal-size. Air Bud never knew any other fish other than the ones back in the Petco tank, but they all had severe mental deficiencies. Most Petco fish do.

Air Bud had never even met his own mother, because the egg that he was before he became a fish was brought to maturation in a factory vat. There is a good chance that Air Bud’s mother had a severe mental deficiency.

One day, after having Air Bud for a little more than a year, the jackass accidentally left the TV on when he went out for the night. Air Bud liked when the TV was on because sometimes he might see a good show. He liked National Geographic shows and SpongeBob SquarePants, but he wasn’t too keen on Iron Chef. He had neutral feelings about Judge Joe Brown, but that’s what the jackass left on this day. Air Bud looked at the fake tires in his tank until Judge Joe Brown was over, but when it was, a movie called Finding Nemo came on.

Finding Nemo is a movie about a computer generated fish that escapes from a tank, and then Ellen DeGeneres helps him find his fish family. Air Bud watched the whole movie from start to finish and even watched the commercials so that he knew he wouldn’t miss the beginning of the next scene.

Then the movie Air Bud came on and Air Bud thought that the guy who bought him at Petco was a jackass.

But he sure was inspired by Finding Nemo.

Air Bud got to thinking and remembered all the times the jackass forgot to change his water or forgot to feed him or fed him too much, which was dangerous because fish just can’t help themselves from eating too much. Air Bud got real worked up and decided to go for it. He backed up to the back of his bowl, then swam as fast as he could to build up a head of steam. But, when he tried to jump out, he didn’t even come close. He tried once more but this try was even worse.

Air Bud became depressed and wallowed in his own shit for a while. There was no way that he would ever get out of that bowl. Air Bud wished he could commit suicide, but he didn’t know how he could. He just hoped the jackass would put too much food in his tank soon so that he could eat himself to death, but the jackass had actually been doing a better job of feeding him on time recently.

Hours passed and night fell with Air Bud staring at the fake tires. He was even sadder than he was in the Petco tank. He thought back over his life, but there wasn’t much to think about. His life had been a pretty sucky one. Factory maturation vat, truck transportation aquarium, Petco aquarium, plastic bag, the jackass’s fish bowl.

Then, the jackass crashed through the door to the apartment. He was drunk again. Sometimes he yelled at Air Bud when he got drunk, but this time he was too drunk to yell. Actually, he was so drunk that he stumbled and accidentally knocked over Air Bud’s bowl.

Now, this was good news, because Air Bud wanted to die and getting your bowl knocked over is pretty much a sure bet for death if you are a fish. The water started to spread across the floor and Air Bud began to suffocate on air. He panicked and never felt full of life. He did not want to die! In an instant, his inspiration to escape was back–this was the luck he needed! He was out of the bowl and on a floor that was wet, at least.

The jackass was passed out by now, which helped the water to pool just a tiny little bit, but it was enough for Air Bud to dip his gill in and rejuvenate. The pool was gone quickly, though, and Air Bud had to get out of the dry apartment. The door to the outdoor stairway was open, so he flopped that direction. Starving for water, Air Bud flopped over the welcome mat and made it to the edge of the stairs balcony. He didn’t have time, so he jumped.

Airborne, he was certain that his death had come and he felt a pleasant numb all over. He had tried and that is a lot to say. But, in one of the most unlikely, luckiest turns of Air Bud’s life, he landed in a cup of Coca-Cola that was being carried by a passer-by. When he hit the liquid, he started back to reality, and breathed the Coke in deep. It tasted great and the caffeine woke him up. As soon as he could get his bearings, though, the person whose Coke it was took a sip and Air Bud flowed into his mouth.

Air Bud again readied himself for death, a noble one, but the drinker tasted Air Bud and spat with force. Again airborne, Air Bud knew his death was imminent, and so enjoyed the sensation and drank in his freedom, despite the lethal constriction the world of land imposed. Flipping through the air in what felt like slow motion, Air Bud saw, over and over again, the zooming sidewalk for 1/8 of a second followed by 1/8 of a second of dark night sky. It was a good way to go, and Air Bud heard music in his head. It was beautiful. He barely felt the impact, but still had the life from the Coke so he opened his eyes for one last image from this earth.

One foot away from him lay a sewer grate that surely ran straight to the sea. If he could make it to that grate, he would have the best chance he’d ever had. But the caffeine in the Coke gave a false sense of strength, which Air Bud realized when he dug for the will to make it to the grate. He flopped and flopped, but each flop yielded less progress as his muscles waned. He was but an inch from the grate, when he thought that he would fail. There was no fight left in this old fish. He tried, but just twitched. He couldn’t flop.

Relaxing, Air Bud looked to the sky and understood his fate. To leave no doubt that he had given everything he had, Air Bud fired his muscles one more time, expecting nothing more than an imperceptible twitch. But as the universe would have it, a gust of wind picked up at that very instant and turned Air Bud over twice, dropping him into the opening of the grate.

Air Bud had won and would be reunited with his species. He could make friends and meet relatives. The journey wasn’t over, but surely he’d find his own Ellen DeGeneres to lead him to his promised land. This final airborne descent would be his last time as a fish out of water so Air Bud drank it in. With a certain trip to sea fast approaching, this night full of moments of truth made for a profound feeling of accomplishment. He enjoyed the euphoria and anticipated the water at the bottom of the dark chamber.

Air Bud hit the water, propelled himself with one strong swim, slowed, then floated to the top of the water.

Fish can’t live in sewage, silly!

Plus, he was a freshwater fish, so he would have died in the ocean anyway.