Mister Understood

You can’t just set here and not get nothing, Candi-Beth said. What gave ye the notion that was my intention? Suttree looked down at his dirty hands. You’re just settin’ there. You can’t just set there. Well. You look weird. Brad is getting mad. He’s the manager. You can’t just set there. I understand, but [...]

me: Hi! customer: Hi! This place is so nice. me: I’m glad you like it. Do you want a table for one? customer: Oh, no, I’m meeting my friend here. me: Okay! Well, you can take a table right now if you want and I’ll point your friend in your direction, or you can hang [...]

Hey. Pst. Guys…c’mon over here. You don’t gotta eat that matzo ball soup. Have an le Cordon Bleu and listen up to me. It’ll be great. Bring four friends too, ’cause it’s only five for five dollars. No, don’t worry–Moses is totally cool with it. I talked to him. He’s fine. Yeah, there you go, [...]

J.A. Adande asks, in reference to Blake Griffin, “What if he really is Tim Duncan and Charles Barkley morphed into one body?” You would have a person that is, all the time, utterly and profoundly confused. Go Sooners! Go education!

The other day, I saw a show about how to make your house into a home, but I’m still trying to figure out how to make my apartment into a house.

the other night I went to go see mix master mike. the girl selling tickets said: you’re here to see mix master mike? me: no, i’m jake!

I got arrested the other day for impersonating an undercover police officer.

Hi. I’m Lance Armstrong. Whether I have a quick idea to jot down during a ride or am at home working out a tough math problem, I always use Uniball pens. Perfect for on the go, Uniballs are reliable, attractive, and give the smoothest line on the market. Uniball. The pen for me. The pen [...]

The forgetful guy who wants to make amends: “Let’s just let bygones be uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

Bulletproof glass is bad because it is impersonal, but don’t get down on life! Think how bad it’s gotta be for bullets!