(the entirety of the following will be slurred, and read from note cards through squinted eyes)
Hey! Everyone. Listen!
Sid is my brother, and I’m not just talking about we’re both African-Americans.
Seriously, though, he’s not a monk either.
I’m so glad that all of you could make it. What is it? A 20 minute drive? And for free booze? You must really care.
About drinking.
I’m surprised that our estranged grandfather didn’t make it.
But seriously, though, he got a DD on the way over.
But in all seriousness, he is dead.
To us.
Now, it’s customary that the best man sort of roast the groom, but I can’t do that to Sid.
I just can’t bring myself to make fun of a mental retard.
But seriously, Sid is the perfect younger brother. You see, he’s younger. And he’s my brother. But that’s as far as it goes. He’s a liar, a cheat and a real mean fucker. Seriously, he’s a mean fucker.
Suzy’s a mean son of a bitch.
They say that half of all marriages fail nowadays, but i say to hell with that! I give Sid and Suze at least a 55% shot at success!
Let me give you kids some advice, the secret trick to making it work. Here it is: forgive and forget.
Forgive her for sleeping with your kid’s JV wrestling coach…and forget that he’s your goddamn cousin!
But seriously, Sid, I’m really impressed that you’re marrying a girl like Suzy.
What?
She’s named Bea?
Really?
Sorry.
But seriously, I’m impressed that Sid is marrying a girl like Bea, see, because he’s so humble and not-self-conscious to fall in love with a transvestite prostitute!
But seriously, though, we all know that Bea isn’t a prostitute.
But look around yourselves, Sid, Bea, at all the wonderful people who’ve come to share this day with you.
This crowd has all the personality of Czechoslovakia.
That’s right, you all remind me of Czechoslovakia.
War-torn.
But now I’m rambling. Let me wrap up.
So, Sid, as the last time as your older brother, I say to you, “stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?”
From now on, it’s strictly, “stop hitting your wife. Why are you hitting your wife?”
Cheers.
