Mister Understood

why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 is a jerk and is really mean.

Most of my time is consumed by regret that I didn’t get that neck tattoo.

And that begs the age-old question. Which came first, the toilet-seat-cover or the toilet?

I don’t need material things. Heck, I don’t even know how to sew!

sometimes it’s hard for me to remember when you’re supposed to write “a” and when you’re supposed to write “an” so I just always write “an” just in case. just as an precaution.

This statement means a very different thing when taken in the present tense than it does when read as a recollection of the past: I moped around all day.

Never be scared of a cop. Talk to him not like he is a cop, but like he is a person. Unless, of course, he happens to be a proud fat man from Singapore, in which case you should talk to him like he is a proud fat man from Singapore.

my ass is like woe

- I would kill myself for you! -You mean you’d take a bullet for me. -No. -I don’t want you to kill yourself. -Okay. -But thanks. -Fuck you!

You often hear that a blast was deafening, or ironically that silence was, but the most realistic incarnation of the expression would be the one that blames the ear infection.