Mister Understood

Lemons are good for restaurant waters because it looks less suspicious when there’s something floating in there, it might be pulp, but it’d be a whole lot better if lemons looked more like fruit flies or dirt.

(Over steaming hot chocolate, an ex-couple sits across from each other in an intimate corner of an intimate coffee shop. They haven’t seen each other in years; it seems that feelings are still there.) (A moment of lovely and surprisingly comfortable silence passes.) girl: I miss this. boy: I miss this too. girl: Oh, I [...]

popular kid: you don’t do voodoo?! unpopular kid: no! I do do voodoo!

It’s a bad sign when a haircut makes you look much younger and like your hairline is receding.

Here’s the way to have a guilt free holiday feast: don’t murder anyone before!

me (to my neighbor, singing): It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you me mine, could you be mine, won’t you be my neighbor?! my neighbor: I am your neighbor.

New product! Besome! Just like Beano, but the opposite. Take Besome–there’ll be some gas. And it’s healthy ’cause it’s made of beans.

If you ever fart in an important situation like a job interview or losing your virginity, just whip up a quick batch of egg salad. No one will ever know!