Mister Understood

Black bears and grizzly bears are different. When you see a black bear, steer clear. If you leave them alone, they will not bother you. When you see a grizzly bear, on the other hand, a lot of people say that it is best to be loud and aggressive in order to intimidate it. Otherwise, [...]

For ultra thin penises.

Let me tell you this: When you get edible and Oedipal mixed up, it’s confusing when someone is trying to get you to try a berry they found in the woods.

Whenever I am at an Asheville bowling alley late at night, I get the distinct feeling that I am going to be murdered or stabbed or both. Suddenly, every bowler has a dull evil look in his eye and closes in on me. It snaps into a zombie movie but instead of zombies, they are [...]

Lemons are good for restaurant waters because it looks less suspicious when there’s something floating in there, it might be pulp, but it’d be a whole lot better if lemons looked more like fruit flies or dirt.

(Over steaming hot chocolate, an ex-couple sits across from each other in an intimate corner of an intimate coffee shop. They haven’t seen each other in years; it seems that feelings are still there.)
(A moment of lovely and surprisingly comfortable silence passes.)
girl: I miss this.
boy: I miss this too.
girl: Oh, I meant I miss this [...]

popular kid: you don’t do voodoo?!
unpopular kid: no! I do do voodoo!

It’s a bad sign when a haircut makes you look much younger and like your hairline is receding.

Here’s the way to have a guilt free holiday feast:
don’t murder anyone before!

me (to my neighbor, singing): It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you me mine, could you be mine, won’t you be my neighbor?!
my neighbor: I am your neighbor.