Mister Understood

LA-Fitness should be called LA-make-your-weird-body-as-out-of-whack-as-you-can-and-oh,-don’t-forget-to-hog-every-machine-you-use.

I guess it’s good advice to not eat the yellow snow, but if you’re only gonna remember one adage, I’d go with this: Don’t eat the brown poop.

Nobody’d better lay a finger on my butterfinger, but that’s just because I don’t want you to eat a gross tasting candy bar that gives you horrible breath and makes your teeth feel hot. Why did I buy this dang butterfinger?

Everyone always says how funny it is, but I just didn’t laugh all that much during A Fish Named Rwanda.

What part of “What do you not understand” do you not understand?!

Long story short: If you want to talk about shaving your wrists, be careful how you word it, or you might just end up in the psych ward.

Whenever a guy comes up to me and wants to fight and says “Hey man! What’s your problem!?” I say, ”Eczema.”

I saw a commercial. It said, “Let your new life begin, call 1-800-get-thin” I called and said, “I want to turn over a new leaf and blog on a more regular basis.” They said, “we can only make you skinny sir.” I said, “I’m already skinny.” “You’re welcome,” they said. Then I called 1-800-i-want-to-turn-over-a-new-leaf-and-blog-on-a-more-regular-basis. Turns [...]

–You just think you’re invisible! Well, you’re not! All you goddamn teenagers just go around just skateboarding and doing drugs and base jumping, you know–you don’t even have a lick of health insurance!–…and you think you’re invisible. You’re not! You think you are, my friend, but I’ve got news for you: you’re not. –You mean [...]

Making blacksploitation films isn’t nice, but it sure is a lot safer than making blackpanthersploitation films.