Mister Understood

Why does the whole group home break into tears when a corn pops commercial comes on?

“Take no prisoners” isn’t such an intimidating motto if you’re a jailer.

Yesterday I gave a touching speech at a Visine conference. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

Thomas Edison said that success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration. I’ve found that screenwriting is similar, but a little bit different, in that it’s 10 percent perspiration and 90 percent looking at facebook.

I like to find someone on the street who has a sign that says “FREE HUGS,” go up next to them and pull out my sign that says “FREE DISEASES.” The fine print on my sign says: (Only figuratively free. You have to pay by having an unpleasant disease and dying and an untimely death.) [...]

The phrase “grown-ass-man” has always tickled me, and I’ve used it more times than I care to count. I thought it would be a funny visual to see a picture of a man who’s actual head was a human butt…hence a grown “ass-man.” Not wanting to tackle the photoshoot or photoshop myself, I went to [...]

Wyclef Jean: “I’m gonna be president of Haiti!” Haiti: “No you’re not.”

Here’s an old picture of NWA. Everyone has a hat on, Dr. Dre’s got a Dodger’s hat on, others have hats of their own favorite teams. Except for Ice Cube.

The check engine light is on. Whew. Engine: check. Let’s go!

Like I always say, always bring a gun to a knife-fight. And also bring a little poison, in case you work it out and decide to have dinner together later.