Mister Understood

Why does the whole group home break into tears when a corn pops commercial comes on?

Silly rabbit. Pops aren't for orphans.

“Take no prisoners” isn’t such an intimidating motto if you’re a jailer.

Yesterday I gave a touching speech at a Visine conference.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

Thomas Edison said that success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.

I’ve found that screenwriting is similar, but a little bit different, in that it’s 10 percent perspiration and 90 percent looking at facebook.

I like to find someone on the street who has a sign that says “FREE HUGS,” go up next to them and pull out my sign that says “FREE DISEASES.”

The fine print on my sign says: (Only figuratively free. You have to pay by having an unpleasant disease and dying and an untimely death.)

Usually this gets me a free punch in the face from the free hugs guy.

kisses too?

The phrase “grown-ass-man” has always tickled me, and I’ve used it more times than I care to count. I thought it would be a funny visual to see a picture of a man who’s actual head was a human butt…hence a grown “ass-man.”

Not wanting to tackle the photoshoot or photoshop myself, I went to google image search. Now, I don’t know who turned off safe search, but let’s not point fingers.

Dammit, safe search still off.

In the interest of keeping Mister Understood PG-30, I changed the concept a bit. The shame is that a donkey head is sadly not as good of a gag as a naked human butt. Unrelated, you’d be surprised how many boobs you get when you google-image search “man with a butt for a head.”

Anyhow:

Get offa my case, Mom! I'm a grown ass-man.

Wyclef Jean: “I’m gonna be president of Haiti!”

Haiti: “No you’re not.”

Here’s an old picture of NWA. Everyone has a hat on, Dr. Dre’s got a Dodger’s hat on, others have hats of their own favorite teams. Except for Ice Cube.

I've had just about enough of your attitude, Mister. Oh, it's Doctor? Pardon me.

The check engine light is on.

Whew.

Engine: check. Let’s go!

Like I always say, always bring a gun to a knife-fight. And also bring a little poison, in case you work it out and decide to have dinner together later.