Mister Understood

You’re so modest, you probably think this song isn’t about you.

Black bears and grizzly bears are different. When you see a black bear, steer clear. If you leave them alone, they will not bother you. When you see a grizzly bear, on the other hand, a lot of people say that it is best to be loud and aggressive in order to intimidate it. Otherwise, it will sense your fear and eat you. In fact, though, it is much more effective to shoot it with your gun, especially if your gun is real.

For ultra thin penises.

Let me tell you this: When you get edible and Oedipal mixed up, it’s confusing when someone is trying to get you to try a berry they found in the woods.

Whenever I am at an Asheville bowling alley late at night, I get the distinct feeling that I am going to be murdered or stabbed or both. Suddenly, every bowler has a dull evil look in his eye and closes in on me. It snaps into a zombie movie but instead of zombies, they are methheads. Asheville High School Alumni methhead zombies. They’re drunk, too, because the beer is cheap tonight and the bowling is cheap too. The meth, I don’t know, but it looks like there was plenty before it got gone.

They close in on me–why they chase, I don’t know…maybe I look like meth or–yes–I have money to buy it. Reserves are low. Don’t make eye contact…that spells certain death–oh yeah, and awkward too. Hey, I went to high school with that guy. Gee, he sure is good at bowling now. Wow. Oh shit! He’s a methhead zombie too. He’s seen me! He’s after me! Oh, just please don’t make me have to talk to him.

Justin. How’ve you been?

GIVE ME METH!! (sfx: flesh eating, etc.)

This one guy has a big hippy beard–why is he a bowling methhead? That one guy has a big scary beard, that’s why he’s bowling methhead. The manager has braces and a blank blank stare. Oh, and a goatee. Everyone has a goatee.

Ah ha! We’re out. But Jesus, this wound looks like it has rust in it. Tetanus is a fair price to pay, I’d say. Shouldn’t be needing to open my mouth without my meth-affected teeth. Oh yeah, I’m addicted now too, because that’s how methhead-bowling-zombie-movie logic works. But damn! Meth feels good!

C’mon, let’s go back in, rally the troops and go spread the good word at the nearby Waffle House.

Class of ’03! Go Cougars!

Lemons are good for restaurant waters because it looks less suspicious when there’s something floating in there, it might be pulp, but it’d be a whole lot better if lemons looked more like fruit flies or dirt.

(Over steaming hot chocolate, an ex-couple sits across from each other in an intimate corner of an intimate coffee shop. They haven’t seen each other in years; it seems that feelings are still there.)

(A moment of lovely and surprisingly comfortable silence passes.)

girl: I miss this.
boy: I miss this too.
girl: Oh, I meant I miss this Swiss Miss.
boy: Oh, I get your gist.

popular kid: you don’t do voodoo?!

unpopular kid: no! I do do voodoo!

It’s a bad sign when a haircut makes you look much younger and like your hairline is receding.

Here’s the way to have a guilt free holiday feast:
don’t murder anyone before!